With Liv.
(Previously; previously.)
Category Archives: History
Chez Hagakure Tea & Pizza Shapes Meet
Filed under Art, Audio, Benevolence, Bitches, Chaos, Cryptography, Cunts, Discombobulation, Domestica, Food and Drink, Genius, Hate, History, Illusion Of Time, Liable For Nothing, Life Is Good, Nothing, People, Philosophica, Photos, Self Analysis, Weblogs
Happy Third Birthday, Blog
Here’s to certainly at least one more year of.. whatever the hell kind of fuckery this is.
🙂
Filed under History, Illusion Of Time, Liable For Nothing, Self Analysis, Weblogs
Wither Comments
Looking at old TF posts for the purposes of linking to them in more recent TF posts, I was struck by something: No fucker is commenting here any more. (Except Liv. And Li. And Wortwut. And the odd Neurocam random combing the archives.) (Gotta love those tenacious, cockroachlike Neurocam randoms.)
Where have you gone, beloved blog massive?
Do you not love me any more?
Is it because Lady J doesn’t love me any more?
That’s it, isn’t it.
It is. Don’t lie.
Actually, I don’t think that’s really it at all. It’s all about me. (It is always all about me.)
To get perhaps ill-advisedly personal for a moment (Li will enjoy this):
Towards the end of 2005, I had Learned To Love Myself. Man. Really, truly had. It was nice. It had been a long time coming.
And I got lots of comments in those days. Because as we all know, if you love yourself – like, really, truly do – then everyone else will love you too. Everyone who matters, anyways.
LJ fell in love with me at around this time. And that was great. But then I think I became dependent on her loving me in order to love myself. So when she stopped, I kinda stopped as well. Et voila: blog comments? Thing of the past.
It’s more complex than that, naturally. But it’s One Way Of Looking At Things. Makes a lot of sense to me.
This is partly the reason people sing the blues when their partners leave them. It’s partly that you just desperately miss having them around, course; it’s partly the shattered dreams of future happiness; it’s partly the sense that all this time and energy expended on getting to know this person really, really well and them getting to know you really, really well, and building trust and constructing a shared identity and blah blah blah has all gone totally to waste. It’s partly because you feel like a part of your very soul has been ripped out, leaving a huge gaping hole in your psyche.
But it’s also significantly because you’ve forgotten how to love yourself without someone else to back you up on it.
That’s really, really bad though. You shouldn’t need anyone else to love you. And the more you do, the less they will.
Am I wrong, non-existent blog readers?
It’s one of those perverse inverse dynamics that The Universe is so fond of, for some sick twisted reason that I will never entirely understand [*] except maybe when I’m on nitrous oxide.
Ah, sweet nitrous oxide.
It will never leave me. Until they make it illegal.
(Why isn’t it illegal? It’s so good.)
[*] NB This is disingenuous; I do in fact understand perfectly. It’s because people are attracted to power and personal power derives from self-sufficiency. But for the purposes of allowing this post to form a nice, natural arc, I had to pretend to be stupider than I really am. Funny how that happens sometimes.
Filed under Drugs, History, People, Self Analysis, silly humans *rolls eyes* etc, Weblogs
I Went To The Movies Last Night
I saw a late show of The Darjeeling Limited at the Nova. It was really, really good. Prior to that I literally hadn’t been to a movie since my barely-remembered trip to Sydney last July, which is just crazy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Sitting texting happily away waiting for the trailers to start, I remembered seeing Wes Anderson’s last effort The Life Aquatic in the exact same cinema in 2005. It was all very funny and illusion-of-time and etc.
Movies are good. Note to self: see more movies.
Totally.
Trouble is: much as I fucking love going to the cinema, it’s quite expensive – and I find it hard to sit down and stay still for long enough to watch a whole movie at home. It feels lazy and timewastey. “What am I doing, just sitting here?” I think to myself. “I could be wandering around in the garden smoking cigarettes and thinking about things, or taking over the world, or updating my Facebook status, or, or, or.. [is overwhelmed by infinite possibilities; goes blank].”
It’s partly something I picked up from living with Bendendo and then Wouters, both of whom would sit around for hours watching TV randomly for no particular reason almost every day, in a way that made me want to slap them.
Largely as a result of this, I basically no longer watch TV at all in any form, ever. My TV’s been effectively broken for the last two months. It hasn’t been problematic.
But maybe I’ll just have to get it fixed, and learn. I could doodle whilst I watch.
Hmm. Hmm!
Filed under History, Illusion Of Time, Movies
Stuff I Did This Year
(Previously & previouslier.)
I missed most of 2007.
It started excellently, and ended okay. Adventures were had, things were discovered; it was not a total dead loss. But overall it will not be remembered as a banner year on Planet Teigan.
This year, amongst assorted other things (see archives), I:
- Misguidedly started a BA at Melbourne Uni for the second time, and then dropped out after a month for the second time.
- Got kinda down.
- Just about survived winter without going totally insane or throwing myself under a train.
- Gradually got better.
- Got totally ditched, in my absence, by the artist formerly known as Lady J after an extremely Significant & Intense 18-month relationship.
- Spent approximately 680 hours conducting telephone-based social research for money. (The weirdness, the horror, the tedium etc). (Also: The doodling.)
- Somewhat overambitiously applied & was interviewed for a BFA at one of the premier art schools in the country, despite having basically no traditional visual art-type skills or talent at all. Was not accepted.
- Spent what probably cumulatively amounts to several months on Facebook.
- Drank quite a lot.
- Various other things which are none of your damn business. Who the hell are you, anyway? Who are you really? etc
Filed under Art, Drunkenness, F***book, Failure, History, Illusion Of Time, Life, People, Self Analysis, Work
Time Machine Fuel
The artist, gentleman & scholar formerly known as Semi/Dirty Kant/Rorschach gave me – perfectly – a time machine for my birthday.
I was touched. But I have not, as yet, been able to use it. Appropriate fuel is required, lest dire consequences etc:
So, continuing a long and bizarrely successful TF tradition, I hereby formally call for time machine fuel; ideally an ongoing source thereof.
Successful respondents will be escalently awarded.
Filed under Benevolence, Drugs, History, Illusion Of Time
In Other News: Hell Freezes Over
(It’s okay – I’m just using him for my own shallow self-gratification Art.)
Filed under F***book, Here Is The News, History, Neurocam, People, Signs Of The Apocalypse
It’s Time For A New Post
Today is the first day of spring. Happy spring!
My housemate of the past eleven months is moving out on Monday. Au revior, Jaye. My previous housemate Bentendo moved out around this time last year.
Time, eh.
Now I need a new one. But first the bathroom has to be renovated. The bath is sinking and tiles keep falling out of the wall. It’s no good.
What else? Um, I’ve been selected for jury duty, which is weird. I didn’t even realise we had jury duty in this country. I guess they have to get jurors from somewhere.
Filed under Art, Domestica, Doodles, Here Is The News, History, Illusion Of Time, People
Announcement: Today Is TF’s Second Birthday
I celebrated by buying a new goldfish, Feustus II.
His predecessor Feustus I died in April 2005, as documented in one of my very first posts.
Filed under Here Is The News, History, Illusion Of Time, Photos, Weblogs
It’s My Blog And I’ll Break My Own Self-Imposed Vow Of Silence Occasionally If I Want To
I blame you, Carfax. Just let it lie, whycantcha?
Anyway.
I recently had cause to send someone a link to my Neurocam Perception Assessment. It is two years old this month.
Rereading it was quite the life-is-strange moment. Many syncronicities and other peculiarities emerged. I even bag out Vanstone in it at one point. Actually, that’s not particularly strange. But the whole thing was funny.
Life is funny. Time flies. Other cliches.
That’s all, I guess.
But on a related note: since, surprisingly, no one else has picked this one up (as far as I’m aware) I suppose it falls to me to ask – does this dastardly unidentified voyeuristic spycam shoe bandit sound suspiciously like anyone we know?
And with that I must away, dear readers, for now I have an important date with the Green Faerie Jellybean.
Good evening.
Filed under Current Affairs, History, Illusion Of Time, Life, Neurocam, People, Self Analysis
Stuff I Did This Year
- Broke up an eight-year marriage, arguably
- Destroyed Neurocam, according to some (Neurocam continues to function in a lame, shadow-of-its-former-self kind of way)
- Bought my first DVD player
- Visited Sydney
- Took LSD for the first time
- Moved from a cupboard in St Kilda to a house in Fitzroy (the first house I have lived in for five years, fact fans)
- Had a bit of a fucking breakdown
- Collaborated in the creation of a singularly unsuccessful gated community for Neurocam graduates
- Took mescaline for the first time, in the form of San Pedro cactus (and on two subsequent occasions)
- Turned 30, legally speaking
- Took ecstacy for the first time
- Threw my first proper party (and my second)
- Took magic mushrooms (and went to a soccer match) for the first time
- Hosted my first Zenarchist Coffee Ceremony
- Finally gave up and got a MySpace page
- Spent Christmas in Geneva, Switzerland and new year in Manchester, England
- Made my first album
- Started my first business
- Attempted (ultimately unsuccessfully) to write a 50,000-word novel in a month
- Kept one ongoing blog, and co-created & contributed to another, for a combined output of 20,253 words, 344 photos, 10 videos & 31 audio recordings (comprising 16 songs, 12 audio messages, and 3 miscellaneous)
- Wrote approximately 458,000 words of email to 92 recipients (& received approximately 506,000 words of email from 128 correspondents, not including machines)
- Spent 164 hours at the gym
- Held five ongoing paid jobs, of which I lost two, quit one, and currently retain two
- Amongst other things
Filed under Art, Here Is The News, History, Life, NaNoWriMo, Neurocam, Self Analysis, Travel, Weblogs, Work
Read My Friend Dave’s Blog
One of my oldest living friends – which is not to say that he’s really old, just that most of my friends dating from his era of my life have either died or I’m not friends with them any more – now has a blog.
He’s really good; I consider him a top-quality friend. If I were you, I would definitely give some serious consideration to the very real option of reading his blog.
It’s fun and it’s free, just like the Scientology personality test. Except even better, because your chances of being seduced into joining a dodgy pseudo-scientific quasi-religious cult created by a sadistic maniac that will brainwash you and take all your money are relatively small.
So, November Rolls Around Again
And, as previously advertised, I’m going to be spending much of it writing a 50,000 word novel. Wish me a broken leg. Heh.
I’m not sure how this will effect my blogging output; whether it’ll go completely dead, or through the roof, or stay basically the same, or grow into a (yet another) poignant and/or disturbing document of my progressive descent into total insanity, or what.
But I ‘spect we’ll find out!
Dear Billie,
I don’t know if you’re familiar with my Amazon wishlist. But if you are, you’ll know that I’ve lately been looking to reacquire your first album, which I originally bought – much to my girlfriend at the time’s disgust and bemusement – from the Tottenham Court Road Virgin Megastore shortly after it came out in 1998.
It was an indulgent, impulsive and kind of silly purchase.
I’d thought Because We Want To was a brilliant, stunning, classic, etc pop song. (And the way everyone just instinctively knew, well in advance of its release, that it was going to go in at number one and dethrone #$&% Three Lions ’98 was a thing of beauty.)
But, y’know, I’d listened to most of your record on listening posts, and didn’t actually even think it was really all that great.
I was basically a snobby indie kid. And besides, I didn’t like you as much as B*Witched (whose LP, conversely, was the fucking bomb – and could legitimately be said to have changed my life, in a subtle kind of way).
But there was just Something About You. The way you stared piercingly out of the sleeve from under your hair, a paragon of innocent knowingery; and the matching combination you displayed in interviews of unquestionably genuine irrepressible-15-year-old-witnessing-all-her-dreams-coming-true wonderment and an equally unfakeable worldly-wise, seen-it-all intelligence. (And your tits. I liked your tits, also.)
You were just too cool.
And, hey, there were some nice songs on there. I Dream I’m Dancing remains a staple to this day. Honey To The Bee. Couple of good songs.
Sadly, that copy was stolen along with almost all my other CDs a few years later. Somehow, inexplicably, yours felt like one of the ones I was most gutted to lose, even though I could only ever have played it all the way through maybe five or six times.
Flash forward half a decade or so to a couple months ago and I’m watching an early episode of the excellent new series of Dr Who. And I suddenly decide that I want it back. You can’t get all the tracks online anymore. I put it on my wishlist.
Late last week, finalising my previous eBay CD purchase, it occurs to me to search for it, and I find a copy – of the original UK release, with Because We Want To and Girlfriend tracked first, as it should be (although, you know, the US order works, too) – going for 99p, no bids, expiring in four hours. I grab it.
Today it arrived, extraordinarily quickly. I was really thrilled; much more so than I expected to be.
So I bring it inside, and whilst ripping it to the eMac, idly pull your Wikipedia page.
Try to imagine my surprise and delight as my eyes are scanning the opening line of the entry and relay to my brain the hitherto un(consciously)known fact that today is your birthday!
Happy 24th, Billie. Hope you’re having a great one.
Love your work.
Very best wishes,
Teigan