Dogs

Sam inside
Sam, slightly bewildered indoors

Sammy the retarded keeshond will be coming to live in Melbourne soon, at my sister’s house in Fitzroy. I don’t know how he’ll cope with the change. He’s pretty fucking senile, and there’ll be a lot less space there than he’s used to. It’ll be great to be able to hang with him a bit more often, though. I think upon encountering me the other week it took him a while to remember who I was.

Sam outside
Sam, somewhat disoriented in the garden

Here is a 35mm picture I took of him in 2003 (so long film, nice knowing you etc) and printed at Photoaccess:

35mm B&W print of Sam, 2003

Back in the day, long before my folks inherited Sam from my Mum’s cousin in 2003, we had a much loved black kelpie labrador cross called Sally, purchased as a puppy from the RSPCA in about 1988. I came home one day in 1996 to find her lying in the sun by the study window, a favoured spot of hers, unexpectedly stone dead. She was only eight. She’s under the compost heap now.

Moment of silence for Sally. I wish I had a picture of her.

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Urk

Sorry about that last post.

Look, I just boiled some eggs:

Eggs boiling

I like a nice boiled egg of a morning. They’re full of protein you know. Mmm, protein.

And now I have to go to work. I’m gonna be late.
I wonder if I should post about work.
I could take some photos.
Or not.

Decisions, decisions..

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I Want To Live & I Want To Love

I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of.

(Oh dear.)

Reckless, angsty drunken post alert!!

Ah. I’ve just been down the Espy with my cousin. We saw a band. Frustratingly we couldn’t establish what they were called but they were great. They were kind of like a folksier, nerdier, less angry version of System of a Down. They had a Bez-esque useless member who stood around for the duration of the set in a t-shirt saying ‘Sam’, looking comically kind of bemused and lost, sipping a beer, occasionally pretending to take calls on his phone. He was superb. He reminded me somewhat of my parent’s neurotic stunned mullet of a dog, who is also called Sam (mental note: post about Sam the neurotic stunned mullet of a dog.) We made extended eye contact several times. I think although he was only pretending to look bemused and lost for performance art purposes, whilst I was genuinely feeling quite bemused and lost, we forged a point of connection, since he was doing it up on stage in front of quite a lot of people and probably appreciated having a genuinely bemused and lost person to connect with as a reference point.

It was great in general.

I never, ever go out to gigs and things like that these days. I don’t really have any friends, you see. He said tragically. It’s terrible.

I really had fun tonight. But my god. I’m twenty-eight. I never go out any more. I don’t really have any friends. I worry that my social skills have completely atrophyed through disuse. I sometimes go days at a time without speaking to anyone.

I have to find ways of turning this situation around. I’m missing my life. It’s just sort of swhooshing by and I’m standing there looking on with this kind of bemused expression, like Sam the bemused stunned mullet of a fifth wheel.

I always thought one day I’d be dancing and laughing and finally living, and hear Morrissey’s voice in my head, and think of him kindly. I kind of got there too, sort of, ish, for a while there. I actually had that moment. But now I’ve retreated back into reclusion again.

It’s so not good.

I feel like such an indadmissable freak.

I’d love to go out more. But I’m just so afraid of people.

(And I’m so drunk. I really shouldn’t be posting this.)

(But.. it’s important! I want to live, goddamn it!

I want to love!

Etectera!)

Wrong as I know it is, though, I need help. Ultimately in social contexts the charity and goodwill of others can only take one so far. One must be self-sufficient. I know this. I do; I rooly trooly do. But I need some fucking mentoring. I’ve become a complete fucking recluse.

I can’t promise to be wildly entertaining company; I can’t promise not to become tiresomely maudlin and self-piteous and pathetic once drunk. But I know that you would like me, if only you could see me etc. and I need to get out more. I’m a potentially perfectly good person who is just going completely to waste.

There must be ways to become a person who has a proper life. Who goes out, and socializes, and stuff.

There must be.

There must be.

I had such a good night tonight. It was fun. I was drunk. I danced. I flirted with strangers. I felt alive. I must go out more.

I am a socially retarded reclusive freakboy with no friends and I am too old to be feeling this unsure of myself.

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.

I really shouldn’t post this really.

*throws caution to the wind, posts it anyway*

I throw it open to the floor: When you want to live, how do you start? Where do you go? Who do you need to know?

I have regressed to an awkward 16-year-old. I can’t believe it; but that is where I’m at.

Help me out here people.

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(Almost) Everybody Hates Gertrude Zelle

Known blogging operatives who have reported receiving bitchy email responses from Gertrude Zelle: Another Operative; Elmo; Gigabane; tobyesterhase; Roger That and Exodus (although he was probably asking for it).

Reanimator reports contact with another previously unknown Neurocam staffer – Bridget Fischer’s assistant, Madeline Kahn (presumably not this Madeline Kahn, who is dead).

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Toasts, Assing etc

Toasts to Maxwell:

Constance, Avery, LadyJ & Midnight & Li & Teigan & Lady J (again)
Lady J toasting me toasting Li toasting Midnight toasting Constance, Avery & Lady J toasting Maxwell.

Constance, Avery, Lady J & Midnight & Li & Teigan & Toby & Cheshire & Gigabane
Gigabane toasting Cheshire Cat toasting Tobyesterhase toasting me toasting Li toasting Midnight toasting Constance, Avery & Lady J toasting Maxwell

Back in late February there were some murmurings about schisms & double-crossage in the upper Neuroranks from Jojo & Tript, amongst other sources. In serialising the background to his recent dismissal, Avery seems to be throwing more light on these rumours, and it’s shaping up as quite the expose.

Bridge & Charlie- who’d a thunk it?

And another neweuroblogger: Simon Blackmoore.

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Two New Operative Blogs & Gertie Zelle

Two new operative blogs: American Guy of Melbourne and Gigabane of Newfoundland, Canada.

New acting Human Resources Security head Gertrude Zelle is not winning too many friends amongst the rank & file. Although it seems she has an unlikely fan in the Maxwell-besotted Constance.

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There’s Nothing Like Procrastination For Getting Things Done

Breakfast raw Breakfast cooking breakfastcooked

I bounced out of bed at 6:30am this morning. I’ve done cardio at the gym, gotten myself a haircut, done a few miscellaneous errands, made and consumed a novelty cooked breakfast (pictured, above), had a driving lesson, and done a load of warsh (pictured, below). And taken some pictures and blogged them, self-evidently enough. And it’s only just gone 1:30pm! Can this frenetic pace be maintained? Will the momentum of this morning’s industry carry me through the dreaded but highly necessary CV-rejiggage scheduled for this afternoon? Stay tuned! (Or don’t! See if I care! Screw you, hypothetical reader; hope you die!)

(Not really.)

Washing machine Dryer

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The Post Office Post

Operative Unshaven

I haven’t shaved for a week. I left my toiletries behind in Canberra.

New toothbrush

My folks posted my stuff back to me. I bought a new toothbrush to tide me over until it arrived, but not a new razor.

Parcel retrieval ticket

Notification of a parcel arrived on Friday.

Walking on Acland Street

Acland Street

I went down to the post office off Acland Street to pick it up today.

The wrong post office

More observant readers will already have anticipated that this was in fact the wrong post office. My parcel was being held at a post office which is actually a newsagent on Fitzroy Street.

Walking to the right post office via Grey Street (note shopping, on left)

After stopping at the supermarket, and also making an appointment for a haircut tomorrow (the hair on my head is getting a bit unkempt ‘n’ all), I walked over there.

Milkbar, with sign strangely pointing to other milkbar

I passed this milkbar just off Grey Street. Bizarrely, directly across the road, there’s a sign indicating a different milkbar 20 metres down the street in the opposite direction. One can only assume the City of Port Philip has some kind of grudge against the proprietors of this particular milkbar.

The right post office, which is actually a newsagent The parcel

I arrived at the post office which is actually a newsagent just before they closed at 5:30pm and retrieved the parcel.

Bills

I came home and found, to my substantial surprise and delight, that the phone and leckie bills had both arrived – conveniently reminding me that I really need to get another job.

Shopping

I unpacked my shopping: I bought tuna, tomatoes and apples.

Contents of the parcel, including unexpected pair of socks

And I opened the package. In addition to my toiletries, it contained a wayward pair of socks I didn’t even realise were missing.

Here are some more photos I took today for the purposes of not working on my CV:

Kitchen sink Bathroom sink
The kitchen sink & the bathroom sink, respectively

Space between tv & wall
The space directly to the left of my tv

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Cardoza Axed

Respected NYC operative Avery Cardoza has been unceremoniously dumped. Avery – who’ll hopefully continue to blog in some form – has now provided a bit of eyebrow-raising background to his Neurodismissal.

Seems Cardoza Investigations was assisting former Human Resources Security head Maxwell Knight with some kind of internal sleuthing exercise. Avery quotes a mail to him from Maxwell dated April 16th:

Regarding the fruits of my investigation, I will contact you with the results following my meeting with senior management of Monday April 18, 2005. I do, however, have high hopes of unmasking the Judas who lurks within our midst.

It was presumably at this meeting that Maxwell ‘resigned‘.

Hmmmmmm…

UPDATE: Conchis is back online, admitting that his blogjacking by Circle De Luce was a hoax designed to test the integrity of the Cam’s Jack Sampson. He offers some possible insight into Maxgate.

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Gertrude Zelle Is The New Maxwell Knight

Another new addition to the official Neuroranks: Gertrude Zelle.

From: Bridget Fischer
To: All Neurocam Staff
Subject: ALL STAFF NOTIFICATION. RE: Maxwell Knight.
Date: 18 April 2005 11:09:47 AM

Attention all staff and operatives.

Earlier today Mr. Maxwell Knight, head of Neurocam’s Human Resources Security Division, tendered his resignation due to personal reasons. This resignation will be effective as of close of business today (Monday, April 18 2005).

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mr. Knight for his 17 years of loyal service to Neurocam International. His presence in the office has always been a reassuring factor for me and he has brought a highly appreciated debonair flair to the office environment. His contribution to the day-to-day operations of the organization was immense and he will be sorely missed.

I hereby wish Mr. Knight all the best with his future endeavors.

Until such time as the position is advertised internally, Ms. Gertrude Zelle, former assistant to Mr. Knight, will fill the position of Head of the Human Resources Security Division. Please direct any Human Resources Security queries directly to Ms. Zelle at (gertrude.zelle@neurocam.com).

Mr. Knight’s e-mail address will remain active for fourteen days and all correspondence from it will be forward directly to Ms. Zelle. After this two week period, Mr. Knight’s e-mail account will be deleted from our system.

Regards,

Bridget Fischer
Chief Executive Officer
Neurocam International

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Conchis Sabotaged (Again)

Dan Pritchard‘s blog has ostensibly been 0wn3d by the Circle De Luce. Cheshire Cat has more.

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Jack Samson & Otti Votavova

Constance has been corresponding with two official Neurocam people who aren’t Hastings, Fischer, Knight or Harris: “Otti Votavova”, via the operations address generally used by Charles, and “Jack Sampson”, via Maxwell’s address.

Jack Sampson was the primary Neurocam contact of somewhat suspect London operative Conchis aka Dan Pritchard.

Pritchard has contacted her about this.

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The Feustus Memorial Fishtank Cleaning Post

The former fishtank of Feustus the goldfish was cleaned out yesterday in a short ceremony intended to symbolise both the sadness of loss and the consoling hope of renewal. The order of proceedings was as follows:


  1. The stagnating water once occupied by the departed was poured down the sink. As a gesture of respect, no photo was taken during this stage of the operation.
  2. Newly emptied fishtank on stove

  3. The newly deliquified fishtank was placed on the stove with its Christmas ribbon artfully draped off one side, and captured for posterity.
  4. This photo clearly shows the gravel in the otherwise empty fishtank

  5. An additional photograph was taken, emphasising the presence of the gravel in the fishtank.
  6. Gravel in special transitional receptacle

  7. The gravel was transferred transitionally to a large ceramic mixing bowl chosen especially for the purpose, and photographed in this new setting.
  8. The fishtank is carefully cleaned

  9. The fishtank was carefully cleaned using hot water and a new wettex, opened expressly for the ceremony and subsequently disposed of, with no regard to expense.
  10. The fishtank photographed undergoing ritual draining process

  11. The fishtank was placed on a draining rack and photographed once again.
  12. This photo clearly shows the gravel in the otherwise empty fishtank

  13. The gravel was returned to the fishtank.
  14. The triumphantly clean fishtank returned to its normal setting

  15. The tank was returned to its home on the bookshelf, to await the arrival of a new occupant. A final photograph was taken, marking the conclusion of the ceremony.

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Things I Did In Canberra (Part 5)

udon

combination a

More Japanese food

On Tuesday I had lunch with Mum in Woden, and then frustratingly failed to meet up with the most excellent T – he of the advising me to learn to drive – due to his being unexpectedly detained at work. But he’ll be in Melbourne in two weeks; hopefully we can do it then.

with'E'

E came round to see me off on Tuesday arvo. Then Dad gave me a lift to the airport and I went.. home, ie back to Melbourne, aka here. When I walked in the door of my place in St Kilda, I had this really quite pleasing sense of arriving home. It was nice. I unpacked, made some dinner, did the washing up, watched The Bill, transferred photos from my camera.

Went to bed feeling cozy and nice.

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Things I Did In Canberra (Part 4)

cupboard street shed

I took quite a lot of pictures of the house. It didn’t really sink in before I left what an end-of-era event this visit would be; that I probably won’t be back in the Can’ for ages and ages.

bathroom hallway

When I do go back, the family home won’t be there anymore. If I’d thought more about it in advance, I prolly would have brought the transfer cable and systematically gone out and about taking loads and loads of pictures.

dining room toilet

That would have added a bit more focus to the trip, which might’ve been a good thing. But revisiting lots of old haunts for documentation purposes would have made me incredibly sad.

Keyboard in a box

Everything to do with Canberra makes me so sad these days. I hope that will change. I have lots of happy memories of the place were I grew up, along with all the sad ones. But I’ve been so unhappy there for so much of the time latterly that those associations pretty much obscure all the others. They did on this visit, anyway.

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