Monthly Archives: March 2009
I think it’s safe to say we have now officially passed through the gaping abyss of infinite horror.
We left the territory it represented without regret; it smelt of guano.
ION: Chez Hagakure housewarming this Saturday, finally.
It will be good; you should come.
There’s nothing like hearing that a long-lost but much loved friend has died to put things in perspective.
At times like this I always fantasize about an impossible party; absolutely everyone who’s ever been special or important to me throughout my life hanging out and being awesome together, with no consequences or liability.
I have much more out-there – and much less self-centred – visions of heaven, but I’d settle for that.
Freakley told me last night to turn my shittiness into art. Personal motto: “redeem garbage”, apparently. This is what she told me when we first met in early ’07, too.
“Make art!” she says.
She’s good like that.
Trouble is, my shittiness basically consists of an inability to put any meaningful form or shape around anything. Narrative failure. Everything seems completely empty and pointless. Whinge piss moan blah.
When I crash, I tear myself to pieces trying to Figure Myself And Everything Generally Out – metaphysical arms flailing comically – until I feel my sanity seriously starting to disintegrate. Then I give up, and just live vacantly from one atomized moment to the next.
There’s not much you can make from that. Got art? Well, no. That’s kind of the problem.
That said, this here blog was originally started in a bid to pull myself out of that void. And it totally worked, over time.
But the last two times I’ve been seriously down since then (mid ’06; mid ’07), I didn’t really talk about it much here. It seemed self-sabotaging to advertise it too explicitly. And also pointless. Natch.
I didn’t really socialise, either. This time I am, a bit. I worry that’s similarly self-sabotaging and is doing irrepairable damage to the relationships in question.
Contact with other people gives you (some) perspective, makes you feel less alone, and generally makes life a bit easier. All of which is nice.
But ultimately allowing people to see much of you when you’re like this just weakens you further. It just fuels the negative self image which is getting you so down in the first place.
“Hi, my existence is a gaping abyss of infinite horror; I feel completely worthless and useless, and I don’t really give a shit about anything except how useless and worthless I feel. Er.. how are you?” Doesn’t help.
Meh; I’m on the up, gradually.
I was really in hell a few months ago.
I’m not in hell now. Just – yeah – a big ol’ envoided vacuum of blah.
And I won’t be here forever.