I dreamt last night that I was Scarlett Johansson in a futuristic, Blade Runner-esque version of Tokyo.
An amalgam of Lindsay Lohan and baby sis’s obnoxious former housemate Anna (who looks – and behaves – quite a lot like Lindsay Lohan) was trying to kill me, ostensibly because she disagreed with my stance on the war in Iraq – although there was some suggestion that she was in fact an agent of the Circle de Luce, and possibly Constance incognito.
An amalgam of JoJo aka Johana and 14-year-old pop starlet JoJo (heavily pregnant and smoking like a bastard, natch) had been assigned by the mythical, non-existent organization Fiat Nox to protect me.
JoJo/JoJo eventually took out Lindsay Lohan/Anna/Constance with a sniper rifle from a rooftop, then immediately went into labour. I had to fly her to hospital in a helicopter, causing me tremendous anxiety because I was not technically allowed to fly a helicopter without a fully licensed helicopter pilot riding shotgun. But it felt like the least I could do.
I can’t remember what happened after that. I think I may have crashed the helicopter into a building. But we both came out of it alright.
Deadsoybean appeared as a shadowy double-agent of ambiguous motives.
The role of Bill Muwway was played with infinite worldweariness – and serious delirium – by Avery Cardoza.
And comic relief was provided by Cheshire Cat, who appeared as an endearing idiot man-child constantly asking strange and irrelevant questions. Occasionally he would also sing Wesley Willis classics such as Fuck You and Cut That Mullet. These interludes were mounted in the style of elaborate Bollywood production numbers.
In the end, the whole situation turned out to have been deliberately engineered by machiavellian Melblogerati queen Ms Fits, so that she could adapt it into a tv show, then post about how clever she’d been.
