I’ve finally compiled my “Stuff I Did Last Year” post, which had become the object of increasingly dire procrastinatory enmirement over these past two weeks. It involved conducting a larger review of the year which I’d been dreading.
That was stupid of me. (Hindsight’s a wonderful thing.)
It may seem like I’ve been neglecting this blog – but the truth is I’ve been going half-demented thinking about what to do with it.
The only fly in my ointment today, however, is that I’ve accidentally deleted the audio file – which I really, really wanted to post – of a conversation conducted between myself and my neighbour on Thursday night.
We were discussing the most efficient way of killing everyone in our building. In the end we decided to get two pistols with a silencers and then just knock on each person’s door one by one. I would do upstairs, he would do downstairs. Simple, effective, no muss, no fuss.
The talks broke down, however, when it became apparent that my neighbour thought we should give ourselves up once the job was complete.
That seemed ridiculous to me. What kind of milksop goes on a merciless killing spree and then surrenders? “Gee, sorry about that. Here, let me spend the rest of my life in jail”? Fuck that.
I’m going to Sydney tonight, for the birthday of an old friend and to hang with baby sis, who is going backpacking overseas next month for a long time. I shall return on Tuesday evening. There will be pictures.
But then, once I get home, I’ll be working like a trojan through to Sunday. So don’t be anticipating too much action round these parts over the next week or so.
There are going to be changes. Good changes. Still not sure exactly what form they’ll take yet. But they’ll be good.
Finally, word up as always to all the good people I’ve been woefully neglecting in various ways of late (specifically: Agent Blabber, Alexis, Clover, Desci, Hits, Li, Nada, Reanimator, Simon Blackmoore and the mysterious, oracular Mr Simon Moon.. although somehow I feel sure that he, at least, is not offended).
Please be assured of my regard and that communques are pending as applicable.
6 Responses to Happy
wow it posted twice how did that happen. I only entered one confirmation code!
If you’re going to shoot everyone in your building, you’ll need a solid alibi. Detectives are sure to wonder why everyone in your building was shot except the two of you.
How about this. Gain non-forced entry into their apartment and produce your weapon. Quickly pistol-whip them, rendering them temporarily unconscious (you don’t want any screams to give you away, but you do want them to wake up so you can feed them the apple sauce [see below]). Or, of your own ingenium, devise other ways of silencing them before they have a chance to yell.
With you is a backpack. From the backpack you produce black jogging pants, black socks, a purple shroud, and a pair of Nike sneakers. Underwear is optional. Have them change into this outfit then feed them apple sauce. If they’re reluctant, tell them, “It’s a gesture of good faith”.
VERY IMPORTANT: Make sure it’s phenobarbitol-laced apple sauce with a splash of vodka added to increase the potency of the phenobarbitol. That’s key.
By the time they finish the apple sauce they’ll no doubt want to lay down. Allow them to. Once they’ve passed out, lay a copy of The Magus upon their chest (open to page 404 of course) and wrap their arms around it to make it appear as if they are clutching it reverently. (Make sure to press their hand against the front & back of the book in case the police decide to take fingerprints (unlikely if it’s ruled a suicide, but it’s best to cover all bases). Give it about 20 minutes, or until they turn a subtle purple, and that’s that.
Between you and your friend it shouldn’t take but an hour or so. When the police find out, they’ll think they’ve got a Heaven’s Gate copy-cat on their hands. For good measure, do it on the anniversary of John Fowles’ death to make it seem somehow further related.
When they ask why you and your friend did not participate, just say you got your dates mixed up. Say, “Oh, that was TODAY? Man, I thought it was NEXT Wednesday. Damn.” Or something to that effect. Ad lib so it sounds natural.
When the cops ask why they did it, just ask, “Have you read The Magus?”
Good to be back.
>Good to be back.
Charmed, to be sure! You should stick around this time..
>If you’re going to shoot everyone in your building, you’ll need
>a solid alibi.
>Detectives are sure to wonder why everyone in your building
>was shot except the two of you.
Not an issue in the scenarios I was envisaging, most of which involved blowing up the building and/or ourselves. It’s really important, it seems to me, to go out in a fiery inferno of glory. But that said, this is an excellent alternative proposal and I’ll be sure to raise it at our next summit.
>When the cops ask why they did it, just ask, “Have you read
And then, on the back of the resultant notoriety, we could build a cult following and do it for real, like.
You have a remarkable mind young man. You should join my organization etc
Man, word, dude, mannnn. Where you at, yo? Dude.
This whole British spying rock thing. It’s surely got something to do with Neurocam, yeah?
Blogging is back.