I did nothing at all today. Like, almost literally nothing at all.
I worked for four hours in the morning like I do every weekday morning. Then I came home and just sort of.. thought about things.
Actually that’s not true. I didn’t think about anything, very much. I was just kind of blank and empty. All day long. It was not at all unpleasant. It was cleansing and nice.
I answered a little bit of email. In the early evening I went for a walk. Didn’t even notice I’d decided to do so until I was halfway up Acland Street. It was a perfect first-evening-of-summer. Lots of people out. Market stalls, for some reason. I looked at them for a bit then I went down to the beach.
Sat on the pier. Looked at the water and the sky. Felt empty. Felt very depersonalized, like I wasn’t really there. Or at least, the person who was there wasn’t me. I was just observing this boy staring out to sea in the third person.
Where am I? I’m in such a funny place right now. I feel very happy about a lot of things, very sad about others. In some ways I feel really burned out and dissolute but in a totally different – and infinitely better – way than I did at this time last year. This sense of dissolution has a healthy quality. It feels substantial. If that’s not a contradiction. I feel satisfyingly exhausted and drained. And I feel.. like I’m a going concern, y’know? Not just an empty shell.
This year has been like running a marathon. It was always going to be. I’m pleased I made it to the end. It was touch and go there for a while. And I’m pleased with where I’ve ended up. Although it isn’t where I expected. Wherever that was.
I’ve learned things this year which have changed all of the rules. So it’s hard to make comparisons with the past. And that’s frustrating me.
I can’t write for shit right now, either, and that’s frustrating me even more. Too many late nights and early starts. Too much indulgence. Too much everything. Too much, too much, too much.
I wish I could describe how it is.
Doing so would involve going to a number of places I can’t go in this context, for various reasons.
But more fundamentally, all of the useable metaphors I can think of (so many of them) contradict each other and none of them really cut it.
Must.. express… self..
Something’s going on here. I feel like I’m pregnant. Not sure what with exactly. It might be something amazing. It might be something horrendous. It might be amazingly horrendous. It might be beautiful. It might be nothing. I don’t know. We’ll find out soon enough. Once I’ve finished destroying everything.
I’m going to read this tomorrow and want to take it down, but I won’t.
7 Responses to Today Was A Strange Day
“not vacant, but merely pregnant with thought waiting to be shared,” Mark said to me almost this time last week.
Which one? Mark Philippoussis of tennis and Delta Goodrem fame, or Mark Wing-Davey, the original Zaphod Beeblebrox? Or Mark in the generic sense of someone who has taken The Mark?
Was he talking about me, or you?
Whilst I’m on the subject, what’s with this weather? Huh? I have to go out to Richmond and it’s raining. That’s not acceptable.
What happened to Summer, Chesh? What happened to Summer?
Should I splash out on a taxi or just get wet on the tramstop? My perloined umbrella broke. Why the hell did that happen?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful…
Memorable Quotes from
“Under the Mountain” (1982)
Rachel Matheson: Go down, people of the mud!
Theo Matheson: I give you the gift of oblivion!
Rachel Matheson: Well, when all you have to look forward to is being nothing, maybe oblivion is the only thing we can offer them.
What happened to the summer? Well… as it is now winter in this hemisphere i’d have to say that it’s come and past.
>Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful…
Can I hate you coz you’re vain? 😛 Probably not, because I am too.
>What happened to the summer? Well… as it is now winter in
>this hemisphere i’d have to say that it’s come and past.
You don’t even care! You don’t EVEN CARE! *cries*
>Well, when all you have to look forward to is being nothing,
>maybe oblivion is the only thing we can offer them.
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