I Want To Live & I Want To Love

I want to catch something that I might be ashamed of.

(Oh dear.)

Reckless, angsty drunken post alert!!

Ah. I’ve just been down the Espy with my cousin. We saw a band. Frustratingly we couldn’t establish what they were called but they were great. They were kind of like a folksier, nerdier, less angry version of System of a Down. They had a Bez-esque useless member who stood around for the duration of the set in a t-shirt saying ‘Sam’, looking comically kind of bemused and lost, sipping a beer, occasionally pretending to take calls on his phone. He was superb. He reminded me somewhat of my parent’s neurotic stunned mullet of a dog, who is also called Sam (mental note: post about Sam the neurotic stunned mullet of a dog.) We made extended eye contact several times. I think although he was only pretending to look bemused and lost for performance art purposes, whilst I was genuinely feeling quite bemused and lost, we forged a point of connection, since he was doing it up on stage in front of quite a lot of people and probably appreciated having a genuinely bemused and lost person to connect with as a reference point.

It was great in general.

I never, ever go out to gigs and things like that these days. I don’t really have any friends, you see. He said tragically. It’s terrible.

I really had fun tonight. But my god. I’m twenty-eight. I never go out any more. I don’t really have any friends. I worry that my social skills have completely atrophyed through disuse. I sometimes go days at a time without speaking to anyone.

I have to find ways of turning this situation around. I’m missing my life. It’s just sort of swhooshing by and I’m standing there looking on with this kind of bemused expression, like Sam the bemused stunned mullet of a fifth wheel.

I always thought one day I’d be dancing and laughing and finally living, and hear Morrissey’s voice in my head, and think of him kindly. I kind of got there too, sort of, ish, for a while there. I actually had that moment. But now I’ve retreated back into reclusion again.

It’s so not good.

I feel like such an indadmissable freak.

I’d love to go out more. But I’m just so afraid of people.

(And I’m so drunk. I really shouldn’t be posting this.)

(But.. it’s important! I want to live, goddamn it!

I want to love!

Etectera!)

Wrong as I know it is, though, I need help. Ultimately in social contexts the charity and goodwill of others can only take one so far. One must be self-sufficient. I know this. I do; I rooly trooly do. But I need some fucking mentoring. I’ve become a complete fucking recluse.

I can’t promise to be wildly entertaining company; I can’t promise not to become tiresomely maudlin and self-piteous and pathetic once drunk. But I know that you would like me, if only you could see me etc. and I need to get out more. I’m a potentially perfectly good person who is just going completely to waste.

There must be ways to become a person who has a proper life. Who goes out, and socializes, and stuff.

There must be.

There must be.

I had such a good night tonight. It was fun. I was drunk. I danced. I flirted with strangers. I felt alive. I must go out more.

I am a socially retarded reclusive freakboy with no friends and I am too old to be feeling this unsure of myself.

SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.

I really shouldn’t post this really.

*throws caution to the wind, posts it anyway*

I throw it open to the floor: When you want to live, how do you start? Where do you go? Who do you need to know?

I have regressed to an awkward 16-year-old. I can’t believe it; but that is where I’m at.

Help me out here people.

3 Comments

Filed under Life

3 Responses to I Want To Live & I Want To Love

  1. Sorry to get all first-year uni student emo-philosophical on you, but you know you asked for it.
    ‘Proper life’ is not defined by going out, ‘socialising, and stuff’. In fact, proper life need not have any definition at all other than exactly what we’re doing now.
    Something I still attempt to grasp clearly is the immediacy of the present. It wasn’t until I had the benefit of a few years hindsight that I realised I was always living today with the expectation of something better later on. Is life living you – or vice versa?
    I can almost feel via the internet the world-weary concrete blur of an existence our generation fills. There’s no mystery or even much wonder for us, as we’ve (“Another car bomb tonight, now sports:”) seen it all before (“Sold for $16,000 on EBay..”).
    Yet hope remains, there is still beauty all around us, and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking dancing to uber-pop anthems in venues that seem to attract mediocrity is it! (Not the Espy particularly; nice venue with usually original gigs)
    If you want to meet more people, well go and do more. The net is big black-hole for both time and energy; I tell myself I’m only on so much because of homework :)If only…
    Joke’s on me, I’m the insomniac writing to a complete stranger at 2 AM.
    Be well.

  2. >Sorry to get all first-year uni student emo-philosophical on you, but you know >you asked for it.
    I so did. Sorry I was so embarrassed by that post in retrospect that it’s taken me until now to respond.
    >’Proper life’ is not defined by going out, ‘socialising, and stuff’. In fact, proper life >need not have any definition at all other than exactly what we’re doing now.
    You’re absolutely correct, of course, and point taken.
    BUT people do talk about ‘having a life’ – and by this I they sort of tend to mean a social life of some kind. I don’t really have one of those these days, and no matter how much rationalisation I do, it makes me feel like I’m missing out on something really important.
    >I can almost feel via the internet the world-weary concrete blur of an existence
    >our generation fills. There’s no mystery or even much wonder for us, as we’ve
    >(“Another car bomb tonight, now sports:”) seen it all before (“Sold for $16,000
    >on EBay..”).
    Yes.
    >If you want to meet more people, well go and do more.
    There’s some straight talking. Again, you’re right of course, it’s really that simple. It scares me though. People scare me.
    Socialising is a skill like any other. Some people have a natural aptitude for it, some don’t. I don’t, really. But for that reason I really have to make an effort. Sitting around pissing and moaning about the problem on my blog as though someone can wave a magic wand and fix it for me ain’t gonna help nuttin.
    >The net is big black-hole for both time and energy;
    Ain’t that the truth n’all.
    >Yet hope remains, there is still beauty all around us
    Yes. Yes yes yes.
    Excellent comment. Thanks.

  3. Hi guys. If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.
    I am from Samoa and learning to read in English, please tell me right I wrote the following sentence: “Minutes may all be then lost and saw; there must be swedish potential or archived agenda of inanimate neck.”
    :p Thanks in advance. Olaf.

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