Trysting Fields

Chez Hagakure G&T Sock Swap

With Liv.

(Previously; previously.)

Chez Hagakure Tea & Pizza Shapes Meet

Starring this chick.

(Previously; previously; previously; previously; previously; elsewhere.)

Happy Third Birthday, Blog

Here's to certainly at least one more year of.. whatever the hell kind of fuckery this is.

:)

(A year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago.)

Rainbow Serpent (Part 2)

Wither Comments

Looking at old TF posts for the purposes of linking to them in more recent TF posts, I was struck by something: No fucker is commenting here any more. (Except Liv. And Li. And Wortwut. And the odd Neurocam random combing the archives.) (Gotta love those tenacious, cockroachlike Neurocam randoms.)

Where have you gone, beloved blog massive?

Do you not love me any more?

Is it because Lady J doesn't love me any more?

That's it, isn't it.

It is. Don't lie.

Actually, I don't think that's really it at all. It's all about me. (It is always all about me.)

To get perhaps ill-advisedly personal for a moment (Li will enjoy this):

Towards the end of 2005, I had Learned To Love Myself. Man. Really, truly had. It was nice. It had been a long time coming.

And I got lots of comments in those days. Because as we all know, if you love yourself - like, really, truly do - then everyone else will love you too. Everyone who matters, anyways.

LJ fell in love with me at around this time. And that was great. But then I think I became dependent on her loving me in order to love myself. So when she stopped, I kinda stopped as well. Et voila: blog comments? Thing of the past.

It's more complex than that, naturally. But it's One Way Of Looking At Things. Makes a lot of sense to me.

This is partly the reason people sing the blues when their partners leave them. It's partly that you just desperately miss having them around, course; it's partly the shattered dreams of future happiness; it's partly the sense that all this time and energy expended on getting to know this person really, really well and them getting to know you really, really well, and building trust and constructing a shared identity and blah blah blah has all gone totally to waste. It's partly because you feel like a part of your very soul has been ripped out, leaving a huge gaping hole in your psyche.

But it's also significantly because you've forgotten how to love yourself without someone else to back you up on it.

That's really, really bad though. You shouldn't need anyone else to love you. And the more you do, the less they will.

Am I wrong, non-existent blog readers?

It's one of those perverse inverse dynamics that The Universe is so fond of, for some sick twisted reason that I will never entirely understand [*] except maybe when I'm on nitrous oxide.

Ah, sweet nitrous oxide.

It will never leave me. Until they make it illegal.

(Why isn't it illegal? It's so good.)

[*] NB This is disingenuous; I do in fact understand perfectly. It's because people are attracted to power and personal power derives from self-sufficiency. But for the purposes of allowing this post to form a nice, natural arc, I had to pretend to be stupider than I really am. Funny how that happens sometimes.

Happy New Year

Welcome to 2008!

We're lost, but unconcerned.

It's working out surprisingly well so far.

Requests are being taken, and may be directed to the usual address.

Stuff I Did This Year

(Previously & previouslier.)

I missed most of 2007.

It started excellently, and ended okay. Adventures were had, things were discovered; it was not a total dead loss. But overall it will not be remembered as a banner year on Planet Teigan.

This year, amongst assorted other things (see archives), I:

• Misguidedly started a BA at Melbourne Uni for the second time, and then dropped out after a month for the second time.
• Got kinda down.
• Just about survived winter without going totally insane or throwing myself under a train.
• Gradually got better.
• Got totally ditched, in my absence, by the artist formerly known as Lady J after an extremely Significant & Intense 18-month relationship.
• Spent approximately 680 hours conducting telephone-based social research for money. (The weirdness, the horror, the tedium etc). (Also: The doodling.)
• Somewhat overambitiously applied & was interviewed for a BFA at one of the premier art schools in the country, despite having basically no traditional visual art-type skills or talent at all. Was not accepted.
• Spent what probably cumulatively amounts to several months on Facebook.
• Drank quite a lot.
• Various other things which are none of your damn business. Who the hell are you, anyway? Who are you really? etc

It's Easy To Lose Perspective Sometimes And To Imagine That One Is A Worthless Pile Of Shit

One shouldn't, though.

Coz one Is Really Good at What One Does.

And What One Does is totally Worth Doing.

Really is.

[long pause]

I like these moments.

Personality Test Redux

(Previously.)

This Month Has Been Totally Surreal

It's certainly been interesting.

It's All About The Early Mornings At The Moment

"On Monday morning, Paxton was woken at five from a claustrophobic, anxious sleep by the weight of his worry. After disentangling himself from the sweaty unwelcome embrace of his patchwork quilt, he padded over to his bedroom window and pressed his nose forlornly against the glass. The sky was clear and dark and sparkling - there was, as yet, no sign of the sun."

Jo (who I won't link coz she hasn't updated since March; maybe it's just me, but I think her blog's dead) told me the other week that my posts had become very cryptic this year.

I knew what she meant. But at the same time I was kind of bemused.

My posts have always been very cryptic. Sometimes they've been so cryptic that I didn't even get them properly myself until ages afterwards.

This one here is a perfect example. I'm really not at all sure why I'm writing this - but I just know I'll look at it in four months time, or in 2012, or whenever, and go "Ah, I see!! Ingenious, Teigs."

Brains are funny.

Braaaiins.

I - which is to say, a close personal friend of mine - keeps getting sent zombie invitations on Facebook.

I don't know what that's about either.

The Coffee & Cigarette I Had At Atomica Yesterday Morning

It's My Blog And I'll Break My Own Self-Imposed Vow Of Silence Occasionally If I Want To

I blame you, Carfax. Just let it lie, whycantcha?

Anyway.

I recently had cause to send someone a link to my Neurocam Perception Assessment. It is two years old this month.

Rereading it was quite the life-is-strange moment. Many syncronicities and other peculiarities emerged. I even bag out Vanstone in it at one point. Actually, that's not particularly strange. But the whole thing was funny.

Life is funny. Time flies. Other cliches.

That's all, I guess.

But on a related note: since, surprisingly, no one else has picked this one up (as far as I'm aware) I suppose it falls to me to ask - does this dastardly unidentified voyeuristic spycam shoe bandit sound suspiciously like anyone we know?

And with that I must away, dear readers, for now I have an important date with the Green Faerie Jellybean.

Good evening.

Stuff I Did This Year

• Broke up an eight-year marriage, arguably
• Destroyed Neurocam, according to some (Neurocam continues to function in a lame, shadow-of-its-former-self kind of way)
• Bought my first DVD player
• Visited Sydney
• Took LSD for the first time
• Moved from a cupboard in St Kilda to a house in Fitzroy (the first house I have lived in for five years, fact fans)
• Had a bit of a fucking breakdown
• Collaborated in the creation of a singularly unsuccessful gated community for Neurocam graduates
• Took mescaline for the first time, in the form of San Pedro cactus (and on two subsequent occasions)
• Turned 30, legally speaking
• Took ecstacy for the first time
• Threw my first proper party (and my second)
• Took magic mushrooms (and went to a soccer match) for the first time
• Hosted my first Zenarchist Coffee Ceremony
• Finally gave up and got a MySpace page
• Spent Christmas in Geneva, Switzerland and new year in Manchester, England
• Made my first album
• Started my first business
• Attempted (ultimately unsuccessfully) to write a 50,000-word novel in a month
• Kept one ongoing blog, and co-created & contributed to another, for a combined output of 20,253 words, 344 photos, 10 videos & 31 audio recordings (comprising 16 songs, 12 audio messages, and 3 miscellaneous)
• Wrote approximately 458,000 words of email to 92 recipients (& received approximately 506,000 words of email from 128 correspondents, not including machines)
• Spent 164 hours at the gym
• Held five ongoing paid jobs, of which I lost two, quit one, and currently retain two
• Amongst other things

If You're Happy And You Know It

Or alternately, if you're miserable and you know it - and it's just no good at all...

CLAP. YOUR. HANDS.

CLAP! CLAP!

If you're happy and you know it,
And you really wanna show it,
If you're happy and you know it... clap your hands!

CLAP! CLAP!

I feel better already.

Despite - he said, by way of explanation - the depressing fact that I have failed.

I am A Failure; one who has failed. That is What I Am.

CLAP! CLAP!

It's the last day of November. And despite my best intentions, I have failed to write a 50,000-word novel.

I gave it a good old Aussie go, though. Really, truly did!

But I didn't write 50,000 words - and I didn't finish it. And it's dead now. It doesn't want to be worked on any more. It has become a stinky moribund dead project that pains me and makes me annoyed at myself. And it's bad when you annoy yourself.

Winces, girds loins, drives a stake through its beloved heart.

It's dead. RIP, first attempt at writing a novel.

The silver lining is, I'm actually well pleased with the 37,566 words I did write. They came out great.

CLAP! CLAP!

Which was really the problem. They were too good. Consequently, somewhere along the line, I forgot to not take myself seriously. Which is the whole big-thing point of NaNoWriMo. You can write a stupid 50,000 word novel in a month. But unless you are a bona fide literary genius, you can't write a good one. Forget about it.

I'm tempted to quote Alanis Morrisette at this juncture. But for everyone's sake, I shall abstain.

The point is: I'm, like, trying to be philosophical and shit. I feel pain now, but I know the venture was far from a dead loss. In the end, I got more out of it than I would have if I hadn't undertaken it. And in any case, I've lost nothing. Just a ride. Etcetera.

CLAP! CLAP!

In other shittiness news, nobody but a handful of stalwarts - it seems - can come to our party.

Again, I don't feel too bad about it. It's getting towards That Time Of Year; everybody has lots of prior engagements. A bunch of people came to the last one - and most if not all appeared to genuinely have a good time. So it's not like this is a sign that all our friends secretly hate our guts, or think our parties suck.

CLAP! CLAP!

Finally, congratulations are in order to Mr Tripto Deluxe, who jumped on board my NaNo bandwagon and then kicked my ass right off the damn thing by actually finishing his book.

Kudos to you, my friend. Kudos to you. No, I wouldn't come to my party either. You have better things to do. Course you do. We're not really going to kill you. That was totally, like, an empty threat. Course it was.

Love your work.

CLAP! CLAP!

Oh, man - that's the shit, right there.

CLAP! CLAP!

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

CLAP! CLAP!

Excuse me, I have to be alone with my hands for a while.

Man, I Just, Like, Voted

I wasn't planning to originally, but Semi talked me into it on the grounds that the Greens will likely take some seats away from serious politicians, which is always a good cause. I hope he is having fun at Earthcore. I imagine that he is.

I just voted for the Greens whilst tripping on leftover cactus, partly in his honor. I'm sure Bob Brown (with whom I once shared a taxi, whilst dressed as a giant koala - i'm sure it wasn't just a dream) would not disapprove. I tried to imagine what John Howard would feel. I tried to imagine him feeling pain in some way. How I tried. But all I could see was him going "stupid hippies; ah well, *shrugs*, they will all self-destruct soon enough anyway", and not understanding at all. Which kind of pissed me off, but did at least make me feel like, in some obscure way, I had not done entirely the wrong thing.

Now I am trying to decide whether to watch The Dark Crystal again. I fell asleep before the end last time.

~ has suggested to me that the girl Gelfling ultimately dies; but I feel sure that this cannot be the whole truth. Henson and Oz would not do that to me. They would not dare.

I will watch their silly movie, in any case. They can bring it. Doesn't matter if the chick dies; the whole healed-crystal thing redundifies such petty concerns.

Yes, it does.

Life Is Good

nb clever peripheral utilization may or may not reveal secret hidden messages

Life is good.

I Can't Believe I Went Out Last Night

On the evening before my nite of nites, heh. But hey, I'm young (20), I can get away with that kind of thing.

Anyway. I got tagged with this ages ago. Generally I disregard such things but I actually saved this, against such a time as I would be able to do it.

That time is now.

What's On Your iPod?

4420 songs (12.4 days, 20.3 GB)
5 videos (28:24 minutes, 248 MB)
0 photos (0 MB)

Sorted by artist
First artist: The 5,6,7,8s
Last artist: Zamfir
(both tracks from the Kill Bill Vol 1 soundtrack, funnily enough)

Sorted by song title
First Song: 'Cello Song by Nick Drake
Last Song: Zyclon B. Zombie by Throbbing Gristle

Sorted by time
Shortest Song: 0:04, Harmonic Necklace by Penguin Cafe Orchestra
Longest Song: 31:31, All Apologies by Nirvana

Sorted by album
First Album: 13 by Blur
Last Album: Young Team by Mogwai

How many hits when you search for "sex"? 39
How many hits when you search for "death"? 19
How many hits when you search for "love"? 264
How many hits when you search for "angel"? 60
(more than sex & death combined, which is also funny)

How many playlists?
None as yet.

First ten songs that come up on shuffle
1. Singing The Blues by Tricky
2. Good Feeling by Violent Femmes
3. I Am The Resurrection by The Stone Roses
4. Sundrops by Kristin Hersh
5. Fait Accompli by Curve
6. Flying Dutchman by Tori Amos
7. Who Needs The Peace Corps by Frank Zappa
8. Electronic Renaissance by Belle & Sebastian
9. Drive You Home by Garbage
10. A Letter To Elise (Blue Mix) by The Cure

Ten most played songs
(nb these stats are inherited from iTunes and reflect a three-year legacy)
1. Katrina by Killing Heidi (194 plays)
2. The Reflecting God by Marilyn Manson (176 plays)
3. Queer by Garbage (154 plays)
4. Playboy Mommy by Tori Amos (148 plays)
5. For My Lover by Tracy Chapman (124 plays)
6. Watch Your Back by Avant Garde (117 plays)
7. Someday I'll Find You by Craig Armstrong & The London Symphony Orchestra feat. Shola Ama (112 plays)
8. A Sorta Fairytale by Tori Amos (98 plays)
9. Bad Ambassador by The Divine Comedy (84 plays)
10. I'm With You by Avril Lavigne (79 plays)

I tag LJ (and anyone else reading this with a blog and a proper motherfucking iPod).

My Skin Looks Really Cruddy At The Moment

This is why you shouldn't smoke, kids. Or grow old.

Toenails.

Continuing the theme.

I've been meaning to do this for ages.

Retarded Right Thumbnail

As requested.

See also.

Ambitions, Revisited

Last July I posted a list of ambitions.

Time for a review.

1. To work in a streetcorner newsbooth.
Partly a joke - but I'd still quite like to do this. I suspect they're basically owner-operator kind of deals, though. Gonna look into it this week.
2. To become a cult leader by rising to the front ranks of Neurocam and then either taking it over, or creating a sizeable splinter group.
Done. I became the head of Neurocam last August (and was subsequently deposed in November). Being a cult leader was fucking cool, if extremely intense and an insane amount of work. I want to be one again some day, in some form. It suited me nicely.
3. To write a throwaway novel ("which I am doing in November").
As things turned out, I was too busy fulfilling ambition no 2 to do this last November. So I'll do it this November.
4. To make an album, provisionally entitled 'Everyone's Too Stupid' ("which I will do next year when I have more time").
A change in outlook has seen this one deprioritised - although I might still release a compilation of Mishuki One's recordings for Hagakure 419 under said title, if a sufficient number of them accumulate.
5. To study for and obtain a degree in Creative Arts from Melbourne's premier university ("guaranteeing me a colourful and lucrative subsequent career as a Creative Artist").
I intend to begin persuing this one next year. Unless my career takes off stratospherically between now and then, of course.
6. To finish reading "The Magus" by John Fowles, and then to ritually burn it.
Done.
7. To have fun and not care about people.
8. To be beautiful.
9. To be loved.
Realisation of these three remain works in progress, although great strides have been made (admittedly, in some cases, made then lost) on all fronts.

Material things I wanted:

• An umbrella.
Acquired.
• A preamping device for my microphone.
Latterly I've been using my soon-to-be ex-housemate's guitar pedals for this purpose. But they've stopped working - I think because the audio-in jack on my eMac is fucked. (Along with several of the USB ports.) But - see above - evolved approaches have rendered this less important than it used to be.
• A Bigpond Movies membership.
With a Blockbuster just down the road, this has become less desirable. Although I would like to join ACMI, whose lending collection goes places theirs, frankly, doesn't.
• A region-free DVD player.
Acquired. (It isn't really region free. But it's okay.)
• A better camera.
Acquired.
• Peter Greenaway DVDs.
Some still pending, some acquired. In one case acquired (see previous link), then rendered unplayable due to careless handling.
• See also: Amazon wishlist.
Note: the DVDs on this list are for reference only - although I know you'd love to buy them for me, I'm better off with locally-purchased Region 4s (see above).

Updated want list:

• More driving lessons.
I started learning to drive in March last year, but stopped in September, due to being too busy & stressed. I'm no longer too busy/stressed, but I am too poor. Shall recommence when it becomes viable.
• A cat.
Once my domestic arrangement stabilizes somewhat - and again, given sufficiently consistent income.
• New trainers.
Soles of my current trainers:

• iPod Mini repair.
I bought a little 512mb Shuffle after my 4GB Mini broke for the second time late last year. At around $150 this was a substantially cheaper option than getting the Mini fixed. At this rate I will be able to get a Nano for less than the cost of getting the Mini fixed. In any case, I miss my Mini.

We'll see what happens.

Should I Take This This Down?

Cast your vote now etc

(re-reading last post)

Woo, we're grumpy at the moment.

And our grammar has gone to hell.

This is the price we pay for being on a (scheduled) rampage of DESTRUCTION.