Trysting Fields

In Other News: Hell Freezes Over

(It's okay - I'm just using him for my own shallow self-gratification Art.)

Here Is An Audio Version Of That Comment

It's My Blog And I'll Break My Own Self-Imposed Vow Of Silence Occasionally If I Want To

I blame you, Carfax. Just let it lie, whycantcha?

Anyway.

I recently had cause to send someone a link to my Neurocam Perception Assessment. It is two years old this month.

Rereading it was quite the life-is-strange moment. Many syncronicities and other peculiarities emerged. I even bag out Vanstone in it at one point. Actually, that's not particularly strange. But the whole thing was funny.

Life is funny. Time flies. Other cliches.

That's all, I guess.

But on a related note: since, surprisingly, no one else has picked this one up (as far as I'm aware) I suppose it falls to me to ask - does this dastardly unidentified voyeuristic spycam shoe bandit sound suspiciously like anyone we know?

And with that I must away, dear readers, for now I have an important date with the Green Faerie Jellybean.

Good evening.

How To Become A Cult Leader

Adam already posted this, but because it's genius and because I can see that you're special, dear reader, I wanted to share it with you personally. In my opinion, you deserve no less.

No, there's no need to thank me. You're doing all the work. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. You're special. You're special. I love you. I love you. Kill your parents. Kill your teachers. Kill your so-called friends. Kill yourself. You don't really exist anyway. Deep down you know it's true. That is all.

(PS You're special.)

Stuff I Did This Year

• Broke up an eight-year marriage, arguably
• Destroyed Neurocam, according to some (Neurocam continues to function in a lame, shadow-of-its-former-self kind of way)
• Bought my first DVD player
• Visited Sydney
• Took LSD for the first time
• Moved from a cupboard in St Kilda to a house in Fitzroy (the first house I have lived in for five years, fact fans)
• Had a bit of a fucking breakdown
• Collaborated in the creation of a singularly unsuccessful gated community for Neurocam graduates
• Took mescaline for the first time, in the form of San Pedro cactus (and on two subsequent occasions)
• Turned 30, legally speaking
• Took ecstacy for the first time
• Threw my first proper party (and my second)
• Took magic mushrooms (and went to a soccer match) for the first time
• Hosted my first Zenarchist Coffee Ceremony
• Finally gave up and got a MySpace page
• Spent Christmas in Geneva, Switzerland and new year in Manchester, England
• Made my first album
• Started my first business
• Attempted (ultimately unsuccessfully) to write a 50,000-word novel in a month
• Kept one ongoing blog, and co-created & contributed to another, for a combined output of 20,253 words, 344 photos, 10 videos & 31 audio recordings (comprising 16 songs, 12 audio messages, and 3 miscellaneous)
• Wrote approximately 458,000 words of email to 92 recipients (& received approximately 506,000 words of email from 128 correspondents, not including machines)
• Spent 164 hours at the gym
• Held five ongoing paid jobs, of which I lost two, quit one, and currently retain two
• Amongst other things

Holy Crap You're A Cunt, Hely

Some day I will take enormous pleasure in watching you genuinely suffer, you worthless irredeemable piece of shit.

From: Stephen Cronin
Date: 15 October 2006 2:42:16 PM
To: Teigan
Subject: Re: how the hell do you write so well

[snip]

I was eventually going to come out to you with the truth anyway. Who was I to deny the Great Robert Henley as such a lonely Operative. And when he offered me something that CH (you) couldn't.. I took it.

Here is the official list of people that screwed you over (including myself.)

Robin Hely - gave orders and orchestrated everything
Midnight - played a dual identity role with you to screw you over, purposely tried to tick you off (by poor handling of admissions, etc.) in order to try and get you to quit.. RH's idea actually lol)
Chris Titan - used Herbert Finch in an attempt to break you down
Steve Cronin - fed info to RH through convos with you & CH (you)
Adren - Called your Sister under orders of RH (That's really all he did and was never really involved with any of the plotting. Adren was probably the most innocent one out of all of us.)

I don't know why I just got into this.. I never planned to write about this when i started this e-mail.

Ambitions, Revisited

Last July I posted a list of ambitions.

Time for a review.

1. To work in a streetcorner newsbooth.
Partly a joke - but I'd still quite like to do this. I suspect they're basically owner-operator kind of deals, though. Gonna look into it this week.
2. To become a cult leader by rising to the front ranks of Neurocam and then either taking it over, or creating a sizeable splinter group.
Done. I became the head of Neurocam last August (and was subsequently deposed in November). Being a cult leader was fucking cool, if extremely intense and an insane amount of work. I want to be one again some day, in some form. It suited me nicely.
3. To write a throwaway novel ("which I am doing in November").
As things turned out, I was too busy fulfilling ambition no 2 to do this last November. So I'll do it this November.
4. To make an album, provisionally entitled 'Everyone's Too Stupid' ("which I will do next year when I have more time").
A change in outlook has seen this one deprioritised - although I might still release a compilation of Mishuki One's recordings for Hagakure 419 under said title, if a sufficient number of them accumulate.
5. To study for and obtain a degree in Creative Arts from Melbourne's premier university ("guaranteeing me a colourful and lucrative subsequent career as a Creative Artist").
I intend to begin persuing this one next year. Unless my career takes off stratospherically between now and then, of course.
6. To finish reading "The Magus" by John Fowles, and then to ritually burn it.
Done.
7. To have fun and not care about people.
8. To be beautiful.
9. To be loved.
Realisation of these three remain works in progress, although great strides have been made (admittedly, in some cases, made then lost) on all fronts.

Material things I wanted:

• An umbrella.
Acquired.
• A preamping device for my microphone.
Latterly I've been using my soon-to-be ex-housemate's guitar pedals for this purpose. But they've stopped working - I think because the audio-in jack on my eMac is fucked. (Along with several of the USB ports.) But - see above - evolved approaches have rendered this less important than it used to be.
• A Bigpond Movies membership.
With a Blockbuster just down the road, this has become less desirable. Although I would like to join ACMI, whose lending collection goes places theirs, frankly, doesn't.
• A region-free DVD player.
Acquired. (It isn't really region free. But it's okay.)
• A better camera.
Acquired.
• Peter Greenaway DVDs.
Some still pending, some acquired. In one case acquired (see previous link), then rendered unplayable due to careless handling.
• See also: Amazon wishlist.
Note: the DVDs on this list are for reference only - although I know you'd love to buy them for me, I'm better off with locally-purchased Region 4s (see above).

Updated want list:

• More driving lessons.
I started learning to drive in March last year, but stopped in September, due to being too busy & stressed. I'm no longer too busy/stressed, but I am too poor. Shall recommence when it becomes viable.
• A cat.
Once my domestic arrangement stabilizes somewhat - and again, given sufficiently consistent income.
• New trainers.
Soles of my current trainers:

• iPod Mini repair.
I bought a little 512mb Shuffle after my 4GB Mini broke for the second time late last year. At around $150 this was a substantially cheaper option than getting the Mini fixed. At this rate I will be able to get a Nano for less than the cost of getting the Mini fixed. In any case, I miss my Mini.

We'll see what happens.

post-op.org

Whilst faking being dead, I started an exclusive secret messageboard with Kybalion and Lady J for lovelorn former Neurocammers. It's kind of died a death itself. That'll teach me.

But it's still there. And if you'd like to join, now you can! Simply submit the following details:

• Your former operative name
• Why you became an operative, and why you stopped being one
• Why you would like join the board
• Your opinion, if any, of Mr. Robin Hely
• Your deepest desire, or your greatest fear
• The most memorable dream you've had this week
• The colour and style of the underwear you are currently wearing, if any

And maybe we'll give you an account. Stranger things have happened.

We're Post-Neurocam

It's offically true. I resigned from Neurocam the week before last.

Here's the report I wrote, under the guise of Crispin Black, after being appointed Director of Operations in August. The infamous Black Report. Hope it amuses.

As you can see, Mr Black and I had big plans. And we worked incredibly hard to try and realize them. I gave my life to Neurocam for three months. Then I was deposed by Henley in mid-November. I still don't entirely know why. No genuine explanation has ever been forthcoming.

I managed to claw back my management position (having been running NCI singlehanded for three months, I had a fair bit of bargaining power), but by then it was really too late. I'd been frozen out, and my name had been systematically blackened within the Neuroranks.

I can see now that this was probably always the plan, from day one.

Somehow, in spite of all this, I was persuaded to continue handling the operations@neurocam traffic on Assignment 411x/0x until it closed out on December 5th. Such is the hypnotic power of the Neurocam.

And I've retained one neurocam.com identity ever since. But she wasn't seeing any action. I don't know why they haven't deleted her. Perhaps because they're afraid of what I might do.

I still believe in the vision for Neurocam outlined in the Black Report: a kind of shamanic play-cult, a vehicle for expanding peoples' minds and inspiring their creativity. And it still makes me sad (and angry) that this vision will now apparently never be realized - at least not in any form associated with NCI.

It seems to me now that le Cam - for all its wondrous potential - has always been, and will always remain, very little more than an excuse for Mr Robin Hely and his shifting cast of hypnotised suckers to jerk people around like so many dead-eyed marionettes, for the private masturbatory gratification of Mr Robin Hely.

Oh well.

I learned a lot from the experience.

It has been quite the ride.

We will not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time

Well, *shrugs*, I Got Out Of Mine

or

2005: Year of the Neurocam

The mysterious organisation known as Neurocam has been a significant force in my life this year. To what ultimate end, I'm still not entirely sure. And if I were, I sincerely doubt I'd be in any position to tell you.

But so much has happened, and I could hardly let the year's end pass without giving it some full circle.

I applied to join Neurocam on the 19th of December last year, did my initial Perception Assessment on January 3rd, and became an Operative on January 14th.

I started my original Neuroblog on the 20th of January.

And the rest, as they say, etcetera.

There have been tears; there has been laughter (not a little of it evil).

Some day the whole sordid story will be told. But not today.

Some of the reportable highlights included:

• Assignment NCI-7061 (Bolte Bridge) in February.
• Assignment NTC-5781/01 (Chess) in April.
• Assignment MIA-0009/05 (Induction) in May.
• Burning The Magus in July.

Having finally read every bromidic accursed goddamn page.

(Although it was really just an excuse to use my sister's temporarily-vacant house to host a dinner party, the burning of The Magus marked a pivotal point in my relationship with Neurocam.

John Fowles died four months later. Complete coincidence.)

• The (unofficial) Neurocouncil later that month.
• Meeting Mr Robert Henley in August.

Quite the experience. I'd tell you all about it, but then I'd have to trace your IP and kill you.

Oh, yeah - the virtual (and not-so-virtual) menagerie of freaks unique and wonderful individuals I've encountered via the Neurosphere probably warrant some mention as well.

I know I've been a bit aloof lately (things. have been. crazy.), but I cherish and treasure you all, you freaks. *wipes tear*

It's been fun. One cannot complain.

Beltaine In "Not Wrong" Shock

Toots really is Chesh in drag.

Don't tell anyone I told you; bitch'll have my spinal fluid.

UPDATE - Community Service Announcement: This is Beltaine spoofing Toots, and not the real Toots.

Alexis & Avery

Alexis is back, again.

And the legendary Avery Cardoza was back for about five minutes but now appears to be gone.

Grimsby, shakes fist etc

neurocam is not a cursed trampoline

robert henley is not krusty the klown, sitting on his front porch with a shotgun

From Tomorrow The Signs Are Going Up

NADA MANSON FOR PRESIDENT.

Be afraid.

Do not be afraid. Be brave, for a glorious new era beckons. Vote Nada!

John Fowles Dead

Victory for the Trysting Fields campaign!

UPDATE: The post cited above just got linked by the BBC!

Intelligent Discussion Thread On The Neuroboard

I always knew one would happen eventually.

PS - I feel silly even responding to this, but for the record I am not Dan "Conchis" Pritchard. For starters we live on opposite sides of the world. This would surely be very easy to prove.

Neurocam Identifier

As requested.

I do requests, y'know.

It just takes me a little while sometimes..

Pritchard, Pritchard, Pritchard

He remains a riddle wrapped in an enigma. And beautifully so, it must be said.

neurocam is not anything to do with animal behaviourism

New operative Grey recently posted this to the Neuroboard:

I recived an email from Ms. Moore waiting for me in my Gmail inbox recently. I noticed that all of the adds along the side were having something to do with animal behaviour. As you know Gmail scans for key words within your mail and targets adds to you. Nothing within this mail would in my opinion lead to the advertising of many animal behavoir services and studies. Does google know something I dont, something about the unveiling, the human animal and Neurocam?

Hmm..

Audio Message From Steve Cronin

Hosting by Steve Cronin. (Thanks Steve!)

About two weeks old now. I never did find out why he got assed. He was a good operative; Charles loved him, which is rare. It's mysterious.

The Neuroboard Is Down

For some unknown reason. And the NCI disclaimer has changed in response to certain rumours.

UPDATE - Neuroboard proprietor Simon Moon's statement is acknowledged.

Vale Xade & Tript

One of the original Neurobloggers - and a close personal friend of mine - Mr. Xade "Xadey" Xade has put his blog to bed until further notice.

His contemporary Mr. Tript put up a 'closed' sign a little while ago.

It really is the end of an era.

Former Operative Cronin To Be Hit By Hurricane

Steve Cronin is stranded in Houston Texas, which is just about to be hit by Hurricane Rita.

Bad things have a way of happening, don't they?

He promises regular updates.. as long as the power holds out.

And he has audio!

UPDATE - And video!

Neuronews Pt 2

Reanimator seems to have answered the call. Praise be. Shame he's going away soon..

Steve Cronin Assed

Didn't see it coming.

Sad loss.

Where Is The Neuronews?

There needs to be a blog like J's and my old ones, dedicated to reporting Neurocam-related news in a reliable fashion.

Over the last two weeks, two major communiques have gone out to all operatives - the first from Charles Hastings, and the second from new CEO Harriet Moore last Monday. And it appears that not a single person on my linkbar has blogged these in full. Nor have they been quoted in full on the Neuroboards.

There's a gaping hole in the market here. Anyone want to fill it?

I'm Excited

"From: Crispin Black
To: [me]
Date: 22 August 2005 12:51:49 PM
Re: New CEO

Dear Operative [Teigan],

Due to your status as a relatively high-profile Inducted Operative, and the well-informed nature of your enquiry, Olga Chekhova has forwarded your most recent email to me for response.

Your supposition that Neurocam is beginning to move out of the state of remission in which it has resided since the suspension of senior staff on July 13 is correct.

Charles Hastings has successfully reapplied for the position of Director of Operations, reaffirming his commitment to this crucial role within the organization, and is currently collaborating with the Nautonier Liaison in assessing candidates for CEO.

An announcement regarding the appointment may be expected by Thursday 1st September at the very latest.

I have been appointed by the Nautonier to conduct a thorough assessment of Neurocam's current state, and form recommendations regarding the best way forward for the organization - a task I have now completed - and oversee the implementation of these until such time as it is determined that my services are no longer necessary to ensure the continued stable functioning of NCI.

The Neurocam website will be relaunching with a new design very soon. New applications will be reopened at this time.

Except as noted, you are encouraged to publish this communique on your weblog.

Regards,

Crispin Black
Transitional Co-ordinator
Neurocam International
crispin.black@neurocam.com"

UPDATE - Then there's this.

Bloggage

I'm guest-adminning for Desci at the moment whilst she and her much-discussed boyfriend are out chasing this halfway around the country for a week. In her abscence she's arranged for a Fitsian smorgasboard of exciting and dynamic guestposters to stimulate her readership daily in the manner to which they've become accustomed. You should really check it out.

Operative Cronin (formerly tobyesterhase) gave up blogging for a while, but is happily back, and brings detailed news of the operative meetup in Buffalo, New York back in June.

And the inimitable Nada Awad aka Deadsoybean has quit blogging (and gone all Quilly on our asses), which is, contrastingly, sad. But she has her reasons.

Who The Hell Is Dan Pritchard Anyway?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Look, It's My Earthly Fortune

Not including 5c coins and the $1.62 in my bank account: eight dollars and thirty cents.

What should I spend it on?

I get paid tomorrow, and I've enough food stashed for tonight. I was thinking maybe stuff for breakfast (milk, bread, eggs - that kind of thing) but that's so mundane, and I crave novelty.

As advised at Chez Rorschach, my position on the Big Brother question: Vesna was robbed, but our maturity and commonsense as a nation will prevail tonight when Tim, quite easily the least obnoxious BB contestant ever, emerges rightly victorious.

(UPDATE - I've said it before, and I'll say it again: there's something wrong with the world. I don't know what it is, but I feel it - like a splinter in the back of my mind, driving me mad..)

neurocam.com Is Back

After a fashion.

In other news, good to see sub-xero is still kicking along.

*rolls eyes*

Alexis & Althea

Alexis is, happily, back with a new url and is - I believe - in search of a new template, if anyone knows of any good ones.

Stealthy Australian non-operative neuroblogger Althea is also acknowledged.

Could This Innocent-Looking Neurotoddler...

... be none other than notorious master of disguise, Robert Henley?

Or this unfortunate character...

...encountered suspended from an electricity pole outside this otherwise unexceptional north Melbourne train station?

What about this guy?

On 17/7/05, Robin Hely wrote:
> That damned Henley! He would sell his own Gran for a buck....

When he's not too busy putting on exhibitions called "Who Is Robin Hely?", maybe.

And then there's this. Retrocam goodness! (UPDATE - Or not. Trust me: it was good while it lasted..)

PS I am curious as to who went through my entire archive earlier this evening, looking at pretty much all the comments back to April. Was it you?

Advisory (& Dan Pritchard)

Posts will likely be a bit thin on the ground this week. I am feeling sick and demoralised and - just for a change - I have a stack of email that I really want to clear.

Jo is taking me to Luna Park on Thursday. It's just down the road from where I live but I've never been. We shall eat faerie floss and go on the Faerris Wheel. If it's open. Which, looking at their site, it isn't. Unless it's school holidays right now. Is it school holidays? It isn't, is it. Damn.

I've also been encouraged to attend a certain event on Friday, which should be interesting.. although I probably won't be able to say much about it.

What else? Dan "Conchis" Pritchard is drawing attention to himself again. Dunno what it's about, but it seems to have something to do with the return of the legendary Robert Henley and they're all over it on the Neuroboards.

Here are some nice bonus pics of The Magus burning which somehow got left out last time:

Here Is The Neuronews

Official lines, in case there's any confusion:

Bridget Fischer, as all operatives were recently advised, has stood aside temporarily due to conflict of interest concerns.

Charles Hastings is currently acting CEO and a very busy man.

Miles Carrefour and Gertrude Zelle have been suspended from duties pending an internal enquiry regarding "recent security breaches".

The mail supposedly from Miles Carrefour posted recently on the Neuroboards is a "fabrication created by parties seeking to undermine Neurocam International".

The Neurocam website has gone down because it "has been hacked and is no longer secure. We are currently working on a new encryption system to enable us to get back online as soon as possible. The timeframe on this is unclear at this stage."

No one is receiving routine assignments. It is not known at this stage when they will start receiving them again. But they will.

The Neurocouncil

Operatives Rorschach and Li (note tragically melted face), and a non-blogging operative

It was a success, I think. A somewhat disappointing seven operatives showed up in person - Cat was there proverbially, and Operative Jojo sent an apologetic text message or two - but these operatives were not in themselves at all disappointing.

One I had never met but knew online. Three I had previously participated in an assignment with. Of these, one had officiated at my book burning, one I knew online, and one was half of the pair of elusive and, of course, mysterious non-bloggers who emerged from their holes - which is always good. One had discovered quite an interesting thing. (dude - email me)

A detailed report will not be made since somewhat inevitably more was said than is entirely suitable for broadcasting.

Operative "no pictures!" Reanimator and another non-blogging operative

Expect a William S. Burroughsesque audio cutup from Operative Reanimator shortly. Along with another interesting project or two.

An attempt at a collective audio blog post was made. It may require some work.

A good time was had by all.

I was a pussy and had to bail early.

Neurocam will be fine.

Everything is fine.

Relax.

Li's melted face is admired by a non-blogging operative and American Guy

UPDATE - American Guy & Reanimator have reports which actually cover what we discussed to some extent, if you're interested in that. A lot of Reanimator's is made up, though...

2nd UPDATE - Rorschach and Li have also posted reports, Li's being by far the most accurate.

ATTENTION MELBOURNE OPERATIVES

The Neurocouncil is tomorrow.

6:30pm, Feddish, Federation Square.

Be there.

(Then, after that - no, not directly after - Rorschach, Li, Reanimator and I are going goth clubbing.)

Neurochat

I've just been on that IRC channel they're always banging on about at the Neuroboards.

It was good. Adren and Kybalion were there. I talked to Midnight and Colin, who I have actually met. And I encountered someone else from Melbourne who was not an op, but who had inherited someone else's Neurocam identifier.

irc.chat-solutions.org
#neurocam

Simon's Gone To A Lot Of Trouble

And I want to see him getting some comments, okay?!

Okay.

Neurocam, Weblogs

I am not moving Tript's link out of the Neurobloggers' section in silent protest against his sad decision to give up the practice.

And I have added two, both from California: Dev of Neurowiki fame, and hitshermark, who is, weirdly, not actually an operative yet as far as I know.

The Neurocouncil

Prompted by Reanimator, American Guy has proposed a 'Neurocouncil' meet in the Melbourne CBD to discuss recent upheavals.

He suggested this Wednesday, but I think we need at least another week to get more interest up.

Neuroboard thread here.

The Suspense Is Killing Me

Neurocam.com is still 'down'.

UPDATE: This bodes ill.

Ritual Burning Of The Magus by John Fowles

Operatives Jojo, Li, Reanimator, Teigan and Xade attending.

It's All Gone Pear Shaped

Well it has.

Tript and Lady J have more.

WTF indeed.

Fischer Stands Aside, Khan Terminated

Didn't see this coming.

From: bridget.fischer@neurocam.com
Subject: Farewell
Date: 12 July 2005 12:48:02 PM

Attention all staff and operatives.

Earlier today, notice was sent to the Board of Directors for Neurocam International of my decision to temporarily vacate the office of Chief Executive Officer for Neurocam International due to what I feel to be a potential conflict of interest. The Board has accepted my request for temporary leave and will announce an acting CEO as soon as a suitable replacement is found. My leave will be effective immediately (Tuesday, July 12, 2005).

Furthermore, Neurocam International has terminated the commission of Ms. Madeline Khan, Assistant to the CEO, effective immediately. I hereby wish Ms. Khan all the best with her future endeavors.

No further correspondence will be entered into regarding these matters.

Ms. Khan's e-mail address will be inactivated immediately. My e-mail account shall remain active for fourteen days and all correspondence from it will be forwarded directly to the Head of Operations, Mr. Charles Hastings until such time as my successor is announced.

Regards,

Bridget Fischer
CEO
Neurocam International

Anyone know what's going on?

Sneak Preview: Neurocam Spring Promotional Range

Available September 2005*

The Neurotoaster

The Neurotoilet

The Neurophone

(also available in contemporary pushbutton model)

The Neurodog

The Limited Edition NeuroiPod Mini (first 100 units personally autographed by the Chief Executive Officer)

*NB: not really

I'm Not The Architect Of Neurocam: Robin Hely

Robin Hely's comment is acknowledged.

UPDATE: American Guy points out that Hely's bio on the Conical site has changed.

Sidebar Updatage

Tobyesterhase aka Steve Cronin and Roger That have upped stakes.

Elmo has sadly resigned.

And Urchin X seems to have died.

This Just In: Robin Hely Is The Architect of Neurocam

... or so he claims... according to some website linked by an anonymous commenter at American Guy's.

Founded in August 2001, Conical Inc is a non-profit contemporary art centre directed by Adrien Allen with support from a core committee of 6 practising artists.

One of whom is none other than La Hely:

Robin Hely has had a checkered career as an artist working mainly in the medium of deception. The last five years has seen him masquerading as a missing person, attempting to deliver a 1m x 2.5m parcel to unknown recipients in Oporto Portugal, filling up Conical gallery with cardboard boxes, going on a blind date wearing a hidden camera and setting up a secret underground organization dedicated to altering the perceptions of its participants.

Hely was born on a sheep farm somewhere in New Zealand and purchased a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Photography on the internet during 1993. After traversing the globe and learning the trade of a fine artist he returned to New Zealand to study. Following the erection of two billboards in conjunction with a spurious advertising campaign he was awarded a Masters in Fine Arts with distinction.

Hely now resides somewhere in Victoria and has developed a penchant for wearing masks.

And they're right here in Fitzroy.

UPDATE - Tript's remarks are acknowledged.

Awesome Epic Bloggy/Neurocam Dream

I dreamt last night that I was Scarlett Johansson in a futuristic, Blade Runner-esque version of Tokyo.

An amalgam of Lindsay Lohan and baby sis's obnoxious former housemate Anna (who looks - and behaves - quite a lot like Lindsay Lohan) was trying to kill me, ostensibly because she disagreed with my stance on the war in Iraq - although there was some suggestion that she was in fact an agent of the Circle de Luce, and possibly Constance incognito.

An amalgam of JoJo aka Johana and 14-year-old pop starlet JoJo (heavily pregnant and smoking like a bastard, natch) had been assigned by the mythical, non-existent organization Fiat Nox to protect me.

JoJo/JoJo eventually took out Lindsay Lohan/Anna/Constance with a sniper rifle from a rooftop, then immediately went into labour. I had to fly her to hospital in a helicopter, causing me tremendous anxiety because I was not technically allowed to fly a helicopter without a fully licensed helicopter pilot riding shotgun. But it felt like the least I could do.

I can't remember what happened after that. I think I may have crashed the helicopter into a building. But we both came out of it alright.

Deadsoybean appeared as a shadowy double-agent of ambiguous motives.

The role of Bill Muwway was played with infinite worldweariness - and serious delirium - by Avery Cardoza.

And comic relief was provided by Cheshire Cat, who appeared as an endearing idiot man-child constantly asking strange and irrelevant questions. Occasionally he would also sing Wesley Willis classics such as Fuck You and Cut That Mullet. These interludes were mounted in the style of elaborate Bollywood production numbers.

In the end, the whole situation turned out to have been deliberately engineered by machiavellian Melblogerati queen Ms Fits, so that she could adapt it into a tv show, then post about how clever she'd been.